The Christmas Bah-humbugs: Fake It Till You Make It

Christmas, next to my birthday, is my favorite holiday. (You knew my birthday was a national holiday...Right?)

Well, this year, I've lost my jingle.

Don't get me wrong. I've had some true, Big God Blessings this year. I remember making my New Years prayer last year and saying, "Lord, just let me be a mom. If being a mom isn't what you want for me, then take this pain away." And look where I am? The most amazing baby in the world is working SO hard every day to say, "Mommy." (David says it's gas, but WE know the truth, don't we?)

 

But I just can't get in the spirit this year.

We knew grad school was going to be hard on our family, and we knew adoption brought challenges as well. We've weathered at least one devastating blow every year that we have been married, so we knew we'd come out on top. We've lost family members, all our possessions, jobs, and we've lost some naïveté as well. This year, I think we underestimated the stress of prolonged, well, stress and financial strain.

Even with that, I will tell you a secret. The secret of one of the nicest compliments anyone has ever given me, and let me tell you, I think back on it a lot during times like these.

About one week after I started working at Masco Bath, our house burned. We lost two beloved pets and damn near everything we owned. Shortly thereafter, the house was robbed of 95% of the salvageable goods, which ain't saying a lot. One of my new co-workers, Mike, was standing at my desk making small talk, asking me how I was doing. He looked me in the eye and said, "Laura, I don't know how you do it. You're here, and you're still smiling and positive. You have a great attitude."

That really touched me. You know why? Because an attitude is one of the few things you have complete control over. You can 100% choose to have a good attitude, or you can be ambivalent. His compliment meant that I, just me, had successfully wrestled my outward negativitity, which is one step closer to beating your inward negativity.

So why am I telling you this? Do I have some great secret of positivity to bestow?

Kinda.

It's called....Wait for it.... "Fake it until you make it."

That's right. Did I really feel positive when we lost everything? No way. I felt miserable, but have you ever noticed that you can sometimes force yourself into a better mood? Well, you can. Try this experiment: When you're grumpily braving the Christmas crowds at Walmart, smile at AT LEAST ten people.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

 

 

 

 

How'd that feel?

Little better, huh?

So that's what I'm doing. I'm choosing my attitude this Christmas. I'm going to be purposefully jolly. Don't get me wrong now. It's an on-going process, but I'm inviting you to choose with me.

Here's How:

-Say nice things to people. Not just, "Hey, nice Uggs/shorts combo there, Susie." Real affirmations. "Thank you for your sense of humor. I needed it."

-Be kind to yourself. Does making that sixteen story gingerbread house every year make you stressed? Don't. Just don't. What will happen if you choose not to? Will your family hate you? Doubtful. Will YOU be a nicer, less grumpy person? Probable.

-Celebrate in ways that make you happy. Christmas claymation movie marathon, anyone?

-Smile freely and frequently. Not just to the hot dude at the bank. To the homeless man on the corner as well.

-Donate to causes you support. Whether it's a handful of change to Salvation Army bell ringers or a bag of clothes to Goodwill, I guarantee you'll feel lighter. (See what I did there?)

 

 

Merry Christmas, y'all.

 

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3 Days:

One Step At A Time.

That's pretty much how we are operating around here this week. While David has been occupied with 12 hour shifts since Saturday, I've had nothing but time to think of every "What If" and possibility.

I've been trying to wrap up a few last minute projects, but as with the best laid plans, some of our time lines are off. It's looking like I will be wrapping my two branding projects after baby is home. This is where having a husband that only works weekends comes in handy! :)

I keep wandering around the house trying to clean, but my heart isn't in it. We haven't started packing yet, and as one of my sweet friends the adoption world commiserated, "I have only successfully put one thing in the suitcase at a time."  One step forward, two steps back, y'all!

Because we don't know exactly how things are going to go, we have a long list of things to take with us:

Pack N' Play

Stroller

Car seat

Bottles

Bottle warmer

Diapers just in case the hospital isn't accommodating

Diaper bag

Baby carrier (stopping in Tupelo to make exchanges at Toys R Us and pick one of these up!)

Clothing for us for four or five days

Clothing for baby

Legal paperwork

Camera equipment

And so much more!  We really don't know what the plan is as of yet, because it depends on the doctor, birthmom, hospital policy... So essentially, we are packing for all eventualities.

Really, I just can't wait to be in the car and on the way.

Birth Month: And why I am awake at an unholy hour

I am the winner and reigning champion of allowing anxiety/excitement to interfere with my sleep.

It's 2:00 am, and here's the lowdown:

-It's officially July. If all goes as planned, Riley will be born in an ever-decreasing 25 or so days. I. Am. Stunned. And EXCITED.

-I have the worst case of hiccups. Ever.

-I keep worrying myself stupid over all manner of adoption related things, such as the finalization of delivery day plans, legal paperwork,  and making sure everyone understands the boundaries of those emotionally draining days. We are totally committed to making sure BMom's wishes are respected. If she doesn't want anyone visiting in the hospital, guess what? No visits. If she wants time alone with baby, she gets it. This is HER TIME. We are just grateful that she wants us there. I, personally, have never been present at a birth or even visited a baby in the nursery, so this is a huge honor to me, which I don't take lightly.

-I keep over analyzing every small conversation in my mind. It's my natural tendency as someone who struggles with anxiety. I have worked for years to be able to manage my anxiety through positive coping methods, but in times of great stress, sleep is first out the window...And I usually find myself blogging...At 2 am. ;)

All in all, from comparing my situation to my friends on my favorite adoption forum, I'm no different than any other potential adoptive parent. Except maybe the hiccups. The awesome part is that my week is chock full of activity to help me get my mind of my anxiety. We are making a couple trips to the Delta, with plenty of fun family time on the horizon. 

In the meantime? I totally painted my nails in honor of the upcoming holiday. 

Anxiety and Faith

Sleeping has been tough these last few days.

Not that there is any specific reason. Everything is going fine. I've just been restless and anxious. Now, I know God is in control, but who hasn't struggled with the concept of, "Let go and let God?"

But how do you really do that?

Step 1.) Bible reading plan on anxiety. Check.

Step 2.) Write it out. Check.

Step 3.) Talk about it. Check.

So why am I still awake at almost 2 am? 

Because I am not trusting.

Trusting that God has my back and will bless our adoption. Trusting that He will provide the funds. Trusting that sweet Baby P'Wich will be in our arms in 90 days or less.

But here's the thing... Our Father is the mover of mountains. The creator of the smallest and the largest creatures in our world. The Father of all. There is nothing He can't do.

So why am I worried?

Because humans are flawed. And He loves us anyway.