Why Diamonds and I Broke Up

I've been thinking on this post for a long time now, especially since my social media is FLOODED with engagements.

When I was in college and newly engaged to my, now, husband, I spent a long time dreaming of the perfect diamond engagement ring. What setting did I want? What metal? Cut? How BIG would it be?

Courtesy Photo: Google Images

Infertility: Do's & Don't's

After three years of silence about our fertility struggle, I "outed" us this year as part of our New Year's Resolution to be more open and also to make some decisions about our journey to parenthood.

Why did I do this? 

Well, for one I wanted everyone to be aware that this is something going on in our lives and also for us to be accountable for making some big changes. But I also put it out there begin some talks on infertility and the emotions that come with it.

In future posts, we will go a little more in depth with what it means to struggle with infertility, but for now, let's dive in with some Do's & Don't's:

DON'T assume that couples who have been married awhile are just waiting until the time is right to have a child. "So when are you going to pop out a kid or ten?" is a pretty common question, but it's kind of a downer to couples who are struggling. If they want you to know, they'll tell you.

DO be a shoulder to cry on and a ready ear to listen if needed. Infertility sometimes feels like a very exclusive club...and not in a good way. If you know someone is struggling, offer to be a support system. Sometimes they just need a friend to rant to, not a problem solver.

DON'T assume that just because someone who is struggling with infertility hasn't had miscarriages or surgery that they aren't just as devastated or affected by their inability to conceive. Unexplained inability to conceive is just as hard a pill to swallow for someone who wants to be a parent. Saying, "Well, gosh...At least you haven't had [Fill In The Blank]," is a slap in the face. On the flip side, if you know some has had a miscarriage, do NOT say, "Well, at least you can get pregnant."

DON'T be offended when your "Waiting Wendy" friend isn't hanging on your every word as you chronicle every pee break during your first week of pregnancy. It's not that she doesn't care...or maybe it is?...More likely, it is just a difficult reminder of what she's wishing for herself.

DO ask questions. But be mindful of how personal you're getting. It's okay to be curious when your friend shares her story, but don't get in bed with her, if you know what I mean.

DO support her decisions. If she wants to adopt, great. If she wants to do IVF, awesome. If she wants to do NOTHING, that's fine too. It's not your job to push her into other situations or remind her of every  New Age herb that's supposed to cure infertility. It's your job to have her back.

FAQ - Our Adoption

By far, in my opinion, the toughest thing about adoption is the uncertainty.

Think about it...When you get pregnant, you take a pregnancy test, and a few minutes later...You KNOW. With adoption, you get an idea. A possibility. A "let's plan together."  But you don't get certainty.

Why is that?

Well, in the state of Mississippi, for instance, no legal paperwork terminating parental rights to a baby can be signed until 72 hours following birth. The expectant mother and adoptive family can make any number of plans and provisions for the birth up until then, but nothing is really valid until that Consent to Adopt has been signed at three days old.

What does that mean?

The mother has time with the baby to make her peace...make her decision. This is probably the most life altering decision any woman can make, so she needs time.

But what about those 9 months?

9 months of preparation is well and good, but a mother still needs to see that baby first to decide. You can't make a decision like that without giving it a few days.

In most cases the adoptive family will take the baby home with the birthmother's consent before the 72 hour waiting period is up. Yes, it's risky...but it is a risk most of us are willing to take.

And what about the birth father?

Again, it varies state by state, but in Mississippi, an unwed father does not have a right to object to an adoption plan, UNLESS he can prove to the court that he is willing and able to parent that child by fulfilling X,Y, and Z. Usually, this means providing monetary support during the pregnancy and after, visiting the child regularly, and showing a keen interest in the welfare of the child.

And if he cannot be located or is unknown, there are steps that can be taken by the court to waive his rights following a standard search procedure. The court does do a due diligence search for him before these steps are taken and it can involve things like calling last known residences, serving legal papers to his last known residence, etc. 

What is the most important part of an adoption?

The most important part of any adoption is ensuring that baby has a secure, stable home with loving parents and living necessities. The next most important thing is the privacy of the birthmom and that she is comfortable with the arrangements.

What will you do if it falls through?

We will be very sad and very disappointed. We would very much love to have this baby in our lives as well as his birth family, but if she decides to parent, we will support her decision. We will probably take a little time to grieve, but we will begin searching again. 

Why open domestic adoption? Wouldn't you rather have your baby all to yourself?

The more people loving a baby, the better! By doing a domestic open adoption, we are able to share our son's life with the beautiful person who trusts us to raise him. We hope to have a very special relationship with his tummy mommy.

If anyone else has questions they'd like to ask about our adoption or adoption in general, please feel free to email me at Laura.prestwich(at)gmail.com or message me on Facebook! :)